I fell asleep on the toilet again last night...
She got kicked off the plane and spent the last four hours in a holding cell with the feds.
but she's really nice
I'm cooking a can of baked beans on the baseboard heater. It is too early in the semester to be this poor.
he slipped a picture of a kangaroo under my door that said "im sorry" on the back and passed out on my lawn.. who the fuck is this kid?
Bad breakup?
He posted a pic of me fully naked and smiling as he inserted a carrot into my vagina as my FB profile pic and then changed the PW, locking me out of my own account. So 500 of my closest friends, family, and coworkers now have that mental image of me on FB.
The less fucks you give, the more fucks you get. Kinda like "a penny saved is a penny earned" but with vagina.
Well that's my green light to bang ur brother. Its not real til its on fb
I bought left over pizza from a guy on Craigslist.
Can you bring home an IV stand and an empty bag so I can direct inject coffee for work tomorrow morning?
The night was crazy enough that we did a workout. Instructed by the bouncer at 2am
I woke up in a front yard I didn't recognize to a grandma tapping me with her foot. What was in that punch?
Good news y'all just straight up snorted 2 adderall and I'm not a real being on this plane of existence anymore and I'm ready for finals
why is there glitter IN my vagina????
Last night I had a dream that I changed my last name to Vodka. what does that say about my life?
He was a foot taller than me and my hands were bigger than his, it's called Pity head
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