Midnight walks are trippy
I tried to do that earlier, but I was alone and scared, so I stole a happy Birthday balloon.
Do u think I can claim pregnancy as an accident so my insurance covers it?
I think I should become a real estate agent in th friend zone I know the place so well
I just found puke in my bra..
i walked outside and you were driving up the stairs to her apartment
Ignoring the crisis im in. Sitting in the front yard in a kiddie pool. Wearing arm floaties, fins and a snorkel. Waiting for a hot guy to walk by.
i think when the guy sitting in the corner singing tells you you're too drunk, you're too drunk.
Yeah I was thinking something along the lines of "I almost died, lets celebrate with sex. Come over"
Please tell me that SOMEONE, SOMEWHERE, has created a drink called a 'Tequila Mockingbird'. PLEASE.
I bought more beer than I could carry and managed to fit it all in the fridge. It's an alcoholicmas miracle.
Guess who has two thumbs and broke her boyfriends dick?
Can we make love to the Space Jam soundtrack?
Ur betting me $100 that I can't do ur sister?
I have betrayed my no carb ways & I can feel it.
Embrace it. Come over to the dark side. I'll feed you muffins while stroking your hair.
Happy 20th birthday! I hope you like anxiety and having your debit card declined at McDonald's!
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