I think I just saw the silver monkey from legends of the hidden temple sitting out in someone's trash
GO. BACK. NOW.
He's my palate cleanser. He's my mint sorbet. He's my saltine cracker. He's who I fuck between people to make the next one better.
we just got kicked out of the mexican restaurant. i have a full pitcher of margarita's hiding under my coat.
Oh and my new excuse for not being able to hook up is cholera, feel free to use it
So we played the stone cold theme song and continued to chug 2 beers at once and everyone just looked in shock
I just want to fall into a pit of xannies and eat my way out.
Though my hair looks fantastic i will unfortunately have to turn down your 4am sex offer
Yesterday I dumped him, went out for my birthday, hooked up with someone else, and today he still fed my cat. Living with your ex ain't so bad . . .
Well I'm sleeping with two of them cause they have nice cars. And the third cause she has a big rack. I'm just really waiting for it all to blow up in my face so I can find a girl I'm actually interested in
I am laying in your bed and just found a bottle of wine under your pillow ...should have married you...
The next time we go out, we're bringing a jar so that people can contribute to the rest of what I need to come up with for my breast implants... We'll show them yours for inspiration and persuasion.
He wants to pour butter pecan flavored coffee creamer on me and lick it off. I'm like, dude, gross. French Vanilla ok? Ugh.
You’ll lick BBQ off my cock but no ketchup on a hotdog?
Straight up just cock blocked my dad. Also this apple sauce is good.
You’re going to be a doctor, and I’m going to be a trophy wife. We both have goals
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