i'm eating jello out of a teacup with a fork. awesome?
i have accomplished my summer goal of being able to relate to every taylor swift song
I woke up and we were making out. So the good news is that after two years off the market, I haven't lost a step. I'm picking up girls in my sleep now.
I think when she wakes up, she'll either kill me, or laugh. I hope she laughs.
Ok roommate is officially weird. Just watched her microwave the same broccoli 3 times in a row and cry b/c she fucked it up. Wtf lol
If you already knew specifically that I was smoking a bowl in my remodeled bathroom AND THEN still wanted to initiate sexting, please proceed to the altar and marry me this instant.
there was a keg and pinata at my uncles funeral, and a bunch of scary looking biker dudes showed up to pay their respects. i need to strive to be more like him.
If I show up to the mall alone looking like I do to purchase a vibrator and some Japanese food, I would judge me too.
We smoked with this guy who looked just like Hyde from that 70's show in an alley. It was a divine moment in my life.
Ok maybe now I get why I'm single I think I just broke a rib pooping
that moment you remember partying with someone several years ago.. and don't remember if you slept with them or not.
It's Friday you fucking nerd of course I'm drunk.
THERE HAS BEEN GRANDTHEFT IN THE HOUSE. SOMEONE STOLE THE BABYWIPES AND YOU NEED TO BUY MORE BEFORE WE LET YOU IN. oh and you have to take two shots before we'll let you in. with no chaser.
Access to a Target is paramount to my general happiness and self-worth.
I woke up with what has to be a whole pack of smarties loose in my bra. Was that your fault?
Randomize
