I can't get out of the parking garage so now I'm staying downtown....Typical
I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
We're gonna have to suck it up and start making out for free drinks. No homo. I'm watching Tyra "I kissed a girl and I got free drinks."
Let's do it. All homo
I'll see your cousin, and raise you a sister.
She said, "I don't really go out much, but my husband recently cheated on me" and I don't remember anything after that.
I put bits of fruit cocktail in the jello shots i made because i knew that they were gonna be the only thing we ate all day
hey, its the girl who gave you a bloody nose and paid you back with a blow job. have you seen my shoes?
Dude if our hands were ladels we could work at a soup kitchen
That would be so convenient
College: when you have to set an alarm to start drinking
Im organizing a group to help fondle my shoe. Too many shots dude. Too many.
I come back upstairs and there he was sitting in a speedo. He handed me a blanket and said "let's cuddle" how is this real life?
This really high kid past out in the corner of the room holding a box of cheez its in his arm. My idol.
"I'm a professor to university students" I say as I realize I have a nipple piercing that I have no memory of getting
I just loudly threatened to kill a self checkout machine
apparently in the middle of sex, i said "i just really love the food network i watch it every day"
Randomize
