Do you know that poor pathetic girl that we should be friends with
I told her I would melt her with my mustache. Needless to say, he pants were soon off.
after you threw up, you tried to prove you were sober by reading the ingredients off the shampoo bottles
She told me I was lying in front of her toilet for an hour saying "lasers."
There's some muscle relaxers in my bedside table. Sorry if my dildo is in the bathroom.
Just made a PowerPoint called "Reasons Why You Should Fuck Me" at his request. The sad thing is we've had sex before...
Doing lines of coke through pieces of licorice. Because I can
Whoops. I'm a horrible gf, I dropped the "I'm looking for jobs in a different city" bomb before I wished him a happy anniversary
In unrelated news guys should not ask what I'm doing/wearing if they can't handle an honest answer. I'm not pretending I'm not sitting on the couch in yoga pants watching Community so you can beat off.
I still have a little drunk in my system
Drunk me is basically the Oprah of nudes. Everyone gets one.
He said he's going to karaoke tonight and I just spilled a bunch of Cheetos on the floor and ate them all. So that's my night.
She tried deep frying a banana by placing one, unpeeled, into a toaster.
You can tell by the way he cuddles that he's got mommy issues
Setting myself up for trouble? Yes. But getting laid is a lot more important at this time.
Randomize
