i just got a Mexican deported. not sure how to feel.
I just shaved my legs while pooping. classy or trashy?
talent.
you really are a gigantic fucking slut.
sidenote: just remembered sarcasm does not translate through text
it's probably a bad thing that i wasn't even offended, huh?
Roller skating + drunkeness + peeing = mess
Now I can say "look me up on Pornhub."
i actually texted him "nice to see you" but then there was a saved draft "i think about you when i get off." dodged that bullet...
Regret, thy taste is box wine.
I woke up in a chipotle parking lot with an industrial sized box of condoms and a bag of dounut holes. I need Jesus
What's the point of bringing a Jack and Coke to work if my boss is just gonna piss and moan about me day drinking again?
I mean I'm sad it didn't work out but tbh he he can't unlick my booty hole or unbreak his headboard... He won't forget my name ever
The doctor basically called me a dirty dick.
Currently rolling a blunt in the bathroom of Planned Parenthood
Man, I'm never going tanning again he noticed the burns on my ass
that blonde bartender and I racked up an impressive mini bar bill last night
Mini bar? Did you get a hotel room?
Yeah, the last thing I need right now is a chick with an insane clown posse tattoo knowing where I live
That’s legit
I cam home to find him twitching on the floor, surrounded by unopened condoms and covered in cranberry sauce (yes I tasted it) while Thundercats was playing.
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