Needless to say when I told my parents they loved me less
Just hungoverly hit my funny bone with a hot straightener. Triple threat.
i'm high and 74% sure there's a monster in my closet
So I cleaned out my gym bag. Found half a bottle of malibu.
You know, I could pretend I'm shocked but what's the use?
I didn't know what to do with her so I just tied her to a bench.
Well I'm 85-90% sure that he licked syrup off my body, but no guarantees...
my friend thinks you're hot & wants to fuck you ps i'm my friend
I'm offering you baseball tickets and my vagina, isn't that enough?
This is going to be the time I got green body paint on Chris' ceiling all over again...
My dad just accidentally taught me how to make fake IDs. I love my life.
You came down the stairs dressed as winnie the pooh and kicking cups off the table and out of people's hands
Easter bunny might get some gnarly munches and not even have enought candy left to hand out
all i tweeted was "emergency this is not a drill" and he immediately texted me asking if this was a subtle booty call…it was
I'm not just straddling the line between love and hate, I'm dry humping the shit out of it
I kinda just want to steal him and keep him forever
Randomize
