I molested 6 butterflies tonight
nothing screams I HAVE A PROBLEM! like the case of miller lite sitting on top of my DUI papers in the passenger seat of my car. lol
My parents just checked my browsing history and now think I'm addicted to porn and am a necrophiliac. 1: I know it was you. 2: You're so dumped, that shit is sick.
I replied to the university automated mass text about the armed robbery at the on-campus Starbucks with a sad face. Basically sums up my night.
This went bad. Everyone is crying, i dont know why and I am really uncomfortable.
I'm slowing backing away from her. I tried breaking up with her and it felt like I was clubbing baby seals.
Two dudes got up on top of the pianos and danced shirtless. They didnt even get kicked out. I love vegas
Listen. I don't care if its "nontoxic" im not putting it in my fucking vagina.
I gave him my yeast infection. HOW THE FUCK DOES THAT EVEN WORK?
Woke up in time for my 8:15
Good for you I'm impressed
I realized 10 minutes in it was a class from last semester
How do I ask where the Jello shot cups are at Walmart without sounding like white trash?
I'm Michael Phelps, Olympic Champion.
Are you just smoking weed? Cause that's not actually a Michael Phelps costume
I mixed Jack with hot chocolate. This may be the best or worst idea ever. I have yet to find that out
The sex definitely would have been a perk. But not sitting in a ditch was what I was going for...
That reminds me of the morning I woke up on the sidewalk covered in chicken wings
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