JoAnns office is warmer than mine. . .it must be because she has the gateway to hell under her desk.
Dude stop singing. Your life is not an episode of fucking glee
you know that dress I got margarita and puke on? yeah, just returned it.
I can't help but feel like we would be friends still if my phone didn't always capitalize BUTTLOAD...
He pissed on a police station. Then expected to not be arrested. Sounds accurate.
Also, I'm sat on the floor drinking cava because life is just not working for me tonight.
Yeah I'm at the doctors getting a shotand don't know how to tell them I'm still probably drunk from last night
He stared me down while singing "Let Me Love You" to me while we were having sex. I don't know whether to marry him or file a restraining order.
He tried to do the do on me last night and my exact words were "stay away from my princess parts. they're renovating."
I got to her place and she was petting her cat and pounding vodka out of the bottle. She looked like Dr evil in yoga pants. She's nuttier than squirrell shit.
My apartment is also really close to an alcohol rehab in case I get out of hand
Omg drank too much. Threw up in my Santa hat on the train and then of course it leaked all over me.
I just delete my bank app from my phone to have enough storage to download tindr. Is this my life now?
We're meant to be. Apparently God wants me to get dicked down pretty good too so I'm not complaining about destiny
wait. i have to tell u something. and it has nothing to do with dildos or spiders
Randomize
