I wish they had a "No Yankees" filter on status updates.
the majority of my texts from you are at 3 AM & consist of either "I'm drunk", "you're asian", or "bratwurst"
Gay TA. Finally going to boost my GPA your way.
How do you set tits on fire ? I swear her tits were on fire.
you started introducing us as kentucky and gentlemen
There's a very real possibility that I'll wake up in your uncle's driveway.
The only requirement is that his name is Kevin... All other factors don't matter to drunk me. Drunk me likey Kevins.
Were not alcoholics, were just impatient for fridays
Neighbor who got arrested at 3am just said he'd split the $ with me if I testify as the witness in his police brutality trial. He was also holding a baby and a case of beer.
Dude just texted me asking if I could drive 45 mins for a quickie dude use your hand
He sent a video of him jacking off....class will be awkward tomorrow
Stripping out of my teacher clothes to Talk Dirty to Me. Who let me become a teacher?
You tipped the Uber driver extra for taking your phone away while you were drunk texting
He's mad at me because I said I wouldn't date him if his dick was smaller. I fail to see the issue
I'm not a morning person, and, trust me, no matter how good your cock may be, it will not turn me into one.
Randomize
