Funny, my mom didn't get it when I said 'that's what she said' after she said 'it's so thick, it's impossible' in reference to my milkshake
i feel so shallow. people in iran are using twitter to write hardcore nathan hale shit about dying for freedom. my last tweet was "i hate the taco shits"
you kept trying to make scrambled eggs with 3 hardboiled ones.
Literally he has the smallest penis I've ever felt since 8th grade.
Hit a parked car with a "property of Jesus Christ" bumper sticker. Wrote out five hail mary's and left it on the windshield.
It's hard for me to sext him when the picture i see on my phone when he texts me is his facebook default of him and his girlfriend.
Is it bad that I just used Smirnoff as mouthwash?
So am I a slut for not remembering his name after sex last night or not recognizing him in the cafe today after he told me who he was?
Some great men died of syphilis. I accept your compliment.
If I ever write a book, i'm calling it "why do i work with fucktards?"
It'll be a good sequel to my other book, "why do i sleep with fucktards?"
It's like if a cloud had tits and you laid on them.
You know how the doctor said I need to stop being vegan unless I find a way to get more protein? There's protein in beer. The doctor wants me to drink more beer.
So do you want to hear how I got the hickey first, or how I got the black eye?
Actually, I take that back. You can only have it if I'm allowed to French braid the mullet.
yeah I had to wear a fucking diaper from work home so I didn't get the shitty squirts all over my cars seats it was fucked
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