Right on... I dropped my chapstick
I blacked out
you never know when you'll meet the man of your dreams and bang him in an elevator
Naturally, I just peed all over the floor. Two guys in front of me looked at me, but i just shrugged. They won't remember either.
He won't ever take me seriously if I keep getting drunk and hooking up with all his friends.
In the middle of having sex, she said "if we continue, we're dating." I then pulled out and sat in the corner, naked. I deserve a Medal of Honor.
I left his apartment Bc I lost my id. Wandered 5 miles barefoot. Got lost in downtown la. My phone died so I asked for directions from a man at the gas station.. Turns out he was a bum. He led me back to the apartment AND he found my id.
It's like the whiskey god was watching over you
He hasn't responded, but he probably just jizzed in his shorts again, so I'll give him time.
We have a bucket list tonight. Not done yet. Gotta climb a building
Just woke up from a first date on the futon watching Arrested Development by myself, him cuddling another chick in his room. Simultaneously the best and worst one night stand in history.
Bonus: took me 2 hours to get home on the streetcar cause I spent my cab money on drinks for his friend last night.
If I was banging all the guys that people think I am, I'd quit buying batteries.
Oh I'm sorry does your girlfriend send you better pictures of things in her ass? No? Didn't think so. Remember that the next time you wanna complain how I don't make the first move enough.
There are regrets.. and there are RAGRETS
An old Grimace plushie came to life and gave me a pretty knife. I'm never doing acid again.
DRUNK COOKIES
Are you drunk or are the cookies drunk or are these cookies that get you drunk?
Yes
I mean that was the nicest way to be dumped by some one I wasn't dating.
Randomize
