I swear to god Kristen, if this "cute" guy you are trying to hook up with's friend asks me if we can role play, and I play his mother one more time, Im leaving. You have 3 minutes to save me or I am out.
You stole her bday cake and shared it with drunk strangers on the street.
he sent me a winky sad face. i cannot deal this level of pathetically needy flirtatiousness.
He wants to call Lloyd's of London and have my mouth insured.
I had to call maintenance to come unclog the toilet.
Something to remember me by.
he ruins everything I try to do including his roommates
It's all sex hats and vagina bandages with you isn't it?
I caught them hiding behind a car trying to have sex.
im suggesting it to him. and by suggesting i mean we're not having sex again unless im wearing high heels
So the old dude that tried to fight me is definitely Katie's dad. And the pot cookie's kicking in. Shit is getting weird.
we def had a heart to heart that turned into a BJ last night
I'm watching the World Cup in bed naked with john and our USA flag aviator glasses. Can you say America?
It's official: I now only own one pair of jeans that I haven't blown the crotch out of. It might be time to put a stop to red wine Wednesdays.
You mean, in addition to red wine every-fucking-days?
I mean it's up to you where you want to sleep but I'm telling you you're going to hear us have sex no matter what room you're in.
Fair enough
I’m the skeleton in his closet, but I only come out on Tuesday and Thursday afternoon and when his wife is out of town
Randomize
