I kept calling his name while we were having sex cuz i was so proud that i remembered it.
you kept yelling "this bitch stole my phone" to the guy who found you passed out in the parking lot
I think I broke a hole in her wall trying to do backflips
I had a dream about masturbating with toys I can't afford.
My sex life and finances are equally in shambles.
That's like the cock version of a mortal kombat fatality.
Drunk Jeff aka Dreff thinks he's about 3x cooler than be really is and about 100x better at dancing than he really is
someone needs to name a hurricane after you
I just want the relationship Bob and Linda Belcher have- is that too much to ask?!
I saw seagulls fucking earlier today. What have you done with your life recently?
I am going to paint butt plugs like little Christmas trees and give them as gifts.
You could paint cock rings as wreaths.
If you can't beat em, make them send you dick pics so they can't do anything stupid again.
The worst part is there are all kinds of happy creatures out here like fucking snow white and i'm sitting in semi-dead grass, hungover with a burnt butt
Woke up next to a slice if pizza. From what i can tell I tried to plug it into my phone charger. No more blackout wednesdays for this girl.
am i the only one who finds it a little awkward seeing as we all made out last night?
Replacing my paralegal is easy. Replacing my favorite office fuck toy is a totally different story. Damn him for wanting to better himself instead of being my manwhore
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