Best part is I totaly had to get into my dads car like I didn't have my pants off two minutes ago.
Oh no, it isn't official until she poops.
I wish i could call my weed and hear it ring. That's how i found my phone.
You fell out of your barstool, I tried to help you but you said if I got any closer I'd be drinking my meals through a straw, So there you sat.
My boss just called me for legal advice. What has my life become?
Seriously. What did you do to me. You have a monstercoooooock.
I can't believe I just typed monstercoooooock. Twice.
My day in three words: secret purse cake
Panda onesie. Pizza. Netflix. Wrapped up like a burrito. Screw you guys and your cute relationships THIS IS WHAT INFINITE HAPPINESS TASTES LIKE
Getting a blow job while breaking up with my gf helps cope with the pain... Kinda weird her best friend is giving me the BJ
Also, I wish we had magnetic nipple rings and our boobs stuck together.
I asked my boyfriend if he wanted a bong for his birthday but he instead asked for corndogs
the cheaper the better
I woke up to half of the whiskey bottle gone, and apparently I showered in my clothes. Pretty good start to SB2015 I'd say?
Welp just ran into my high school history teacher while buying a pregnancy test...there goes my veil of innocence in this town.
"hahahaha" is not a sufficient reply when I tell you my mother laughed at a joke about me giving blowjobs.
Are you still in his room?
Nope, yogged home at 8 am with one shoe on.
Randomize
