I can't disclose who, but one time I called someone, they didn't pick up, and immediately texted back 'will call later, masturbating'
I thought that was really considerate
What's wrong?
Long week. Sore muscles. Bad back. Hangover. Mini-keg. Crazy ex-wife. Unavailable love-interest. Dead celebrity families. Republicans.
Pussy.
He was so confused why there was a string hanging out of my vagina.
but he used his one phone call to call mom and wish her happy mothers day, that's gotta count for somethin
Dude, I swear her tits are going to give me a concusion.
you woke me up at 7 am banging on my wall.. what the hell
thats the international knock for joint time
100% of annual heatstroke fatalities are preventable deaths! Don't let it happen to you! Also, you can catch crabs from almost anything! Be safe and have fun.
You told me that you were mad me because I wouldn't let you 'explore my castle'. Then you said I smelled like a hospital and passed out.
My mouth is so dry that I'm about to put a straw in a jar of Vaseline and chug. This all addi diet definitely has its ups and downs.
Where's Taylor bro?
Never mind found him under the sink
I just had the worst experience of my life, my grandma found my condoms.
Dude. Photoshop a Santa hat on your mug shot and send it as your Christmas cards.
We started off talking about nice cuddling and you turned it into fucking with a Santa hat on...
i love it when bitches who pick on you in high school get fat. thank you facebook you have made my day.
I need to go to St. Louis more often. The brides sorority sisters were practically fighting over me once they heard I work on Wall St.
Randomize