he made me salute his american flag boxers before i took them off
they said they heard you say put it in my butt
screw that ipod for my birthday.. i just want a weed brownie the size of my face. that's all.
I saw Winona at my church today. She has boobs, now.
Miracles do happen.
Her best friend sent her a random hate text and the song they played at her father's funeral came on the radio. I just got cock blocked by the universe
ATMs should seriously have built in breathalysers, I would save so much money.
Ok lesson learned. Don't lick the spoon when making mushroom chocolates. The kitchen walls are melting.
I'm pretty sure getting a blow job behind a bar in Rome while her little sister is throwing up in a dumpster not 5 feet away, gives entirely new meaning to the phrase "When in Rome"
Come over, I want to eat cookie dough off your dick.
I've never felt more disgusting in my life. And I'm including the time I snuggled that homeless woman in the puddle of my whiskey vomit.
I told you when I started the only reason I was gonna coach your kids soccer team was that I could meet all the hot soccer moms. So why are you so mad I slept with your ex?
Pretty sure I was impersonating Rihanna when I kept asking him what my name was while we were making out
You cried for a while then lifted lots of weights then cady's ex put glitter on your tits and then you took a nap. I got you pizza and brought you home. Nothing too exciting.
I don't really want to talk about it, but if anyone finds my unicorn mask with my bra in it, I would really like that back.
He sounds like Chris Tucker and wants to eat me out when I’m on my period. If that isn’t love I don’t know what is.
Randomize
