i'm pretty confident that i watched a woman making love to a german shepherd.
I got drunk and threw up on a kid at the amusement park. I think they're pressing charges.
dude i dont realllllly have to fuck her do i? its just a mess down there and i think im gonna cry
we did it on the carpet and she just yells out "OH. MY PSORIASIS".
There's a girl in front of me with a see through white shirt on and her back says I suck bad dick. Fun night hun?
My three rules on what I'm wearing tonight. Something short, something see through, and something i had sex in.
There is a large, jolly black gentleman in the parking lot of my appartment complex yelling about 5am jelly doughnuts. I want to be where he's at.
I forgot how wholesome of a place a park is when youre not drinking there.
This will be the 3rd time you have blacked out and lost your phone only to have some kind stranger find it, charge it, call me, then mail it back to you. Your luck amazes me...
I'm going to start referring to my liver is Livy. I feel like if I give it an affectionate nickname it will hate me less. Livy isn't ready for syllabus week.
I think we all know your liver needs a man's name.
Got home to the hotel 3hrs ago per texts sent not in english to not a full phone number
When and where the fuck did we get a beach ball??
At least he finally released me from his spooning oven of death...
I'm trying to watch Chicago PD and tell you I like your dick at the same time. It's a lot of work, ok?
Just left the ER. Only good thing... my hot ass nurse Carlos stripped me.
God works in mysterious ways.
Randomize
