im sorry i hit your dog last night,,,i didnt even see it
I dont have a dog?
WTF
I can already tell this is gonna be one of those parties where we sit across the room and text about people.
ok, she started talking about how she swears her step dad killed her mom. starting to back out of this one
Why have they been driving around the block for the past 30 min?
He told her it was international road head day.
Drunk me was responsible for doing it, but sober me was definitely cheering him on
Its like a zucchini between his legs. An orgasmic zucchini.
pretty sure I just got a "sorry I have a new boyfriend" blow job. Confused, but totally ok with it.
You went into the shower with my roommate and cursed him out asking why he was there
i mean i'm drinking free wine with lesbians and listening to sinead oconnor so i'm not sure who won that breakup
I just want to have sex that doesn't end like a B-rated horror movie.
Can't feel body but making pizza rolls
now to finish some work and then i think i'll work out. or garden. or at the very least I'll continue eating frozen grapes and take more drugs
went out to hit golf balls, ended up doing splits at the bar. you're a bad influence.
He's honking my boob in his sleep
It's innocent and endearing in some way
Snorted a dorito chip for 1$. Cross that off the bucket list.
Randomize
