I hooked up with a Michael Jackson impersonator last night. Too soon?
Its like a relationship where they cockblock each other.
I wish the ER had shaved that part of my head. It would be easier to show people my staples at the bar.
it's only monday and im already failing all my classes. i give up. tequila tuesday is my only friend.
I mean it was like cry my eyes out or masturbate in my moms bathroom.
the breathalyzer kept saying danger. we made our new slogan danger we need more shots
My fuck buddy is great and all, but it gets weird when she gets in arguments with her BF in the driveway
they knew we were both to shy to do anything so they got us drunk and locked us in the back yard with a tent. it was fuck or freeze
you have the best friends
Milk that cash cow for all the shots she's worth
So I've discovered that being hungover at 25 feels the same as being hungover at 24. Happy Birthday to me.
When nipples stop being hilarious I'll stop getting them out in public.
I do feel like I owe you an apology for trying to fuck your dad last night but in my defense everyone knows I shouldn't drink tequila.
if he becomes president of the united states, I will tell EVERYONE that i took his virginity.
whole 5th of capt = waking up in the shower after 2 hours and the whole house asking why i'm STILL in a towel. and me having nothing to say
They stopped fighting to partake in M&Ms and porn.
Randomize
