OMG Im so trashed fishy! im sitting hereon my bed wif mcdonalds n i look like david hasselhoff!!!!!! kill me now
just saw Chris Hanson on the street. looked immediately around for video cameras. why is that my immediate reaction?
You're pretty and everything..but you aren't worth the DUI
no seriously he was fingering me like he was really really frantically looking for a song on his iPod.
I know this may seem inappropriate, but are you gonna bring any blow to the wedding?
i'm sorry for cheering you on when you were making out with him. i was just celebrating the fact he was decent looking for once
We had sex in the bathroom. Then he told me I could watch him pee.
You coming home soon, man?
HENBARSCLOSE
After everything you did, you followed it with "Oh God, that's something a high person would do. But I'm not high." So yeah, you're not getting near my stash again.
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO GET MY FUCKING CUPCAKES WHEN THE GROUNDSWORKER I HOOKED UP WITH IS LOITERING IN THE VENDING AREA
Chang gave me a 1.5 gallon beer tasting cup, i have a new boyfriend with a huge stick, Members of the Irish Rugby team slapped my ass and cheered for firmness, and a couple of strangers are naming the child after me. Best. Weekend.Ever.
She said I had a really great aura. Which I think is hippie code for "I bet you can give me a mind melting orgasm"
I got drunk and tried to make special rice krispie treats, but I made a mess and they were all stuck to my hands, so I just decided to eat my way out of the catastrophe and I think shit's about to get even weirder than usual.
I'm pretty sure your ex of four years just had a baby with some kid and named it after you...
I told my boss that I'm in a slutty stage of my life right now and the chef overheard and slipped me his number. I might get laid tonight
Randomize
