I made out with a deaf person. Also I've been drunk 11 days in a row now.
how the fuck did you end up in georgia? you were here at my party dry humping some chick 2 hours ago
so you mean to tell me that there is no way you can get me?
I'm going to rise like a phoenix out of the drunken, shameful ashes that were last weekend.
i ordered 12 mcnuggets at mcdonalds and ended up getting 20. for free. miracles really do happen when your high.
Sometimes I wonder how different my life would be if I didn't share a weekly margarita with my mom since i was 12
The night took a downhill turn when he started using a butter knife as a spoon to drink his cosmo
I'm sorry I ignored your high cries for help while you were grating cheese on my dog.
He threw me a bud light and when I opened it he smacked it out of my hand because "Dave giveth, and Dave taketh away". WTF
Well the "Blackout with your sack out" party turned out predictably.
I told him that he was essentially a very life-like dildo with a person attached so he needed to stop having feelings because it was getting annoying. He agreed.
I walked outside an you were laying down talking to a star about your life. That's when I took the bottle of jack away...
We were just getting out tux's at men's warehouse he pulled both of the fitting room girls. I dont think he should be getting married
I'm slowly starting to accept that you have to be a sociopath to be attracted to me
The awkward moment when a lady ask you what kind of lipliner you're using, but really I have just finished eating hot cheetos.
Maybe if I ever do become a counselor, I would just implement a kind of intensive meme therapy.
Randomize
