Driving with balloons in your car is more annoying than that bubble fart that doesn't leave your ass after your previous fart.
at a bar and heard one girl tell another her tampon string was showing she goes i dont want it in anymore anyways. then proceeds to pull out her tampon in the middle of the bar and leave it on a plate. ewwww
we are learning about oedipus in english. fuck you for making this awkward for me
I wanna tell red shirt guy I'm pregnant and use the abortion money for Coachella.
If Bret Micheals dies..will VH1 have to go off the air?
If im paying 4grand for laser eye surgery, it better help with beer goggles cuz last night was pretty rough.
I didn't scare your mother by showing up on the roof, did I?
I think as far as last words to bitter ex girlfriends go, "enjoy that staph infection youre about to get in your uterus" is right up there with the best
Ok roommate is officially weird. Just watched her microwave the same broccoli 3 times in a row and cry b/c she fucked it up. Wtf lol
Last night was the first and hopefully last night I will ever sleep in a hotel bath tub. Sober mind you.
I'm not even gonna ask.
First of all guys don't have walks of shame. Secondly there is nothing more epic than riding the skytrain in a toga while everyone else is going to work
He called himself Jesus all night but I'm not sure if that's his real name or not
He's like a fucking cake pop, the greatest thing in the world while it lasts, but it never lasts for long enough
He specifically said I couldn't post the picture of him passed out naked except for a strategically placed washcloth. Where's the fun in that?
YOU'RE MARRIED. TO OTHER PEOPLE.
sober me doesnt really want him anymore, but when drunk me takes over, she might want him, and god only knows the shit that might happen with drunk me.
Randomize
