i forgot beer had calories. that would explain alot.
its my first week of college and i have a UTI
not easy being a whore now is it
I'm never telling my kids not to take ecstasy, never. Idk what my mom was thinking.
It's like being the dunk pilot of a plane full of pornstars and drunkenness.
I gotta bail on the cookout tonight. Im at the er getting stitches. Re-enacting porno went horribly wrong.
I dont feel as bad coming home this baked because I gave my 14 year old sister a no drugs talk last night.
I don't care if there's a party or not. I just want to be half naked in a cape with a never-ending supply of alcohol within arm's length at all times. Make it happen.
red lips, whiskey sips, shaking hips, nipple slips. my life as a rap song.
She stopped laughing and kind of stared at the wall for a while. Then she did 3 somersaults and said she saw jesus. This weed is fucking fantastic.
My parents don't seem to understand that all I want to do over break is smoke in bed and watch Workaholics.
Also, for real, though? Did we even have sex or were we just jumping on the bed drunk and naked...because with me that's actually a possibility.
I'm starting to think that Cosmic Steve ripped me off
He was tripping his balls off and kept aggressively saying SIT ON MY FACE. 5 hours and countless orgasms later I've decided I must never let this man go.
That guy u hooked me up with kept calling me james while were doing it...
I just sharted for the first time in my life. Age 33. Lying in bed. Sober. 2021 is off to a great start!
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