He is fucking rediculously sexy. DO HIM NOW. NOW. NOW. NOW.
I accidentally told him I've been cheating on him with his brother last night.
How did that happen by accident?
I was drunk and vomited all over him and thought, "maybe he will just stay with me out of pity if I tell him with stomach acid and alcohol all over his crotch." I was wrong.
i am officially better prepared for a hangover tomorrow than i was for christmas.
I have 250 contacts there has to be someone sober to take me to taco bell
honestly, i'm just crying in the kitchen naked and eating salsa
OK! No more randoms over for the next month this is the third fucking time I caught a naked dude drinking my OJ in the middle of the night.
They make twin pack pregnancy tests for girls like us
I have reverted to folding laundry while watching porn. how much sadder can my life get?
We just laid there in bed together, petting his dick and repeating, "IT FEELS LIKE VELVET!!!"
I may have tried to encourage people to play a new game I invented last night. I called it Super Quarters. Like regular quarters, only using an AA medallion.
You meet the best people naked in a hot tub at 2 am.
all his sexual metaphors involve condiments, should I worry?
I'm the girl holding the bag of goldfish
So it's my mom's birthday and I wanted to be super cheap and just walk up to her and say "I got you the greatest gift ever, mom! I'm actually sober right now!".
I'm not sure if I should pay him or he should pay me, but someone should get paid for the sex I had this morning.
Randomize
