he said i was weird because i want to have sex in public places.
i dont think thats weird i think thats fun
i forgot to tell you, he fell asleep outside my house again last night, but im weird
I feel odd... a had sex with a chick and she keept her socks on...
i told him i was gay. he said that gay guys are supposed to be pretty.
Just saw my neighbor passed out in his front yard, leg stretching into the road. Full beer in his hand.
I had just got her shirt off when I realized that I was about to fuck Chewbacca from Star Wars. The way she moaned confirmed that I was.
Coffee is gods way of saying go ahead, get absolutly trashed on weeknights, I got your back
He's coming over tonight...I really wish I didn't have my period right now...
I believe I'm witnessing the first time ever that you wished your period would NOT come....
so, I mean this in the straightest way possible, but don't you ever just feel like you owe Jon Stewart a blowjob...
I'm glad the dog doesn't judge me for doing leftover lines and watching George of the Jungle at 10 am
Nothing will ever prepare you for the moment when you are sitting on your friends bathroom floor with no pants on eating string cheese & pita at 2am.
you can't tell me not to come to work cause roads are bad then ask me an hour later to come in and expect me to be sober
I gave my girlfriend a ring to celebrate our anniversary, she thought It was an engagement ring. Now im getting married and I don't know what to do.
I must be really high or they really did just bring me a banana split instead of a burger
We're just starting to open presents and I already need a shot. This is gonna be a long Christmas day.
Do you remember standing up at 3 in the morning and asking me if I was counting to six?
Randomize
