she was screaming in french about how classy it was to be drinking wine. oh... she was drinking it out of the bottle. with a beer in her other hand while throwing up.
I found a vibrator in my car and it's not mine...this is becoming a weird day.
someone left their shoes, a resume, and a pizza in the shower... i am actually speechless
I'm skyping with my parents and reading Cosmo articles on giving great head. I'm on a roller coaster that only goes up, baby.
If you spent as much time trying to get laid as you do masturbating you would surpass all of us.
I think this hangover is going to kill me. If it succeeds I would like you to read a dramatic rendition of 'Trapped in the closet' complete with interpretative dance at my funeral.
Just got hit on by a middle-aged puerto-rican clown who told me that it would be bad to date someone who offers to buy me coffee and makes something of themselves. I love the NY subway.
you missed an awesome concert last night. some middle aged woman that was grinding on me kept trying to stick her hand down my pants. i ended up rewarding her tenacity by letting her hold onto it for a song, i think it made her night.
Is adulthood just morning sex and then walking through the grocery store 20 min later looking for something to take to work for lunch?
...and then running into your dad at said grocery store...
They shoved things up my nose I feel violated
Everyone heard you having sex but I just told them you were having a nightmare.
Just saw a couple chasing each other on lawn mowers. Oh South Knoxville.
Drunk packed a lunch. Made two turkey sandwiches and threw in a bag of raw bacon. Gold star for the day drunk self.
I was just wicked nice to a telemarketer... that's how stoned this woman got me.
Why the fuck is Ian Naked eating string cheese in my guest bedroom?
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