I'm half single.
Please tell me it's the bottom half.
Babe! I just farted and I swear to jesus lord christ that it sounded like ur name! Ok, more like Meeatt but still... awesome.
ugh.. my birth control just came out of my nose. wtf?
I'm going to fuck my way out of the friend zone if its the last thing I do
Theres a fat guy wearing a speedo. Someone just got puked on, and didnt even react. Whats happening?
It was going well until he told me about the 7k he made in college to be in a gay porn
You left me with no money to have random Chicago sex. The least you can do is pick me up an egg mcmuffin on your walk of shame back to the hotel.
Maybe the downfall to liking really smart guys is that they're to smart to think about sex all the time.
Oh man I'm using the bubble wrap that wraped my new vibrator to wrap my dads fathers day gift
if i actually get asked out by my dealer what could happen?
i don't know, but it probably involves bathtubs full of weed
I had to steal sneakers from my man of the night. I dipped. But then realized I left my purse in his house. So I had to stash the shoes in some bushes and wait for him on the stoop. Then after he watches me leave, I run back and get the shoes cuz I didn't wanna be taking my hour long journey home through London at 3 pm in my six inch wedges and club dress
Crying on the toilet and taking a shit. This is what being an adult is about
I need a life alert for his random dick pics. My heart can't handle that.
I accepted my type is not "conventionally attractive" when she asked me "Him? Are you sure?" 5 times in front of him last night
I don't know how I got home but I'm pretty sure the guy in my closet had something to do with it
Randomize
