it doesn't get any better than taco bell and soft core porn
why did i wake up to an event notice that says "Shit Just Got Real"?
You look just like Jennifer Aniston on food.
I just dumped out my gym water bottle and filled it with white wine. This is the end.
there's no excuse to just assume your pants won't be coming off for some reason or another. that's just irresponsible
Just keep my face away from hard objects. And by that I do not mean erect penised.... those are totally fine. It's more just things like rocks, table edges, blunt objects, etc so I don't get another concussion.
Judging by the garbled spelling in the calendar reminders in my phone, drunk me really wanted sober me to take a pregnancy test today.
I will blow you tomorrow if you bring me food tonight. Like a payment plan
I'll always remember 2012 as the year I hooked up with countless girls who had the sides of their heads shaved.
Can you bring home bongs? Like all the bongs. I need bongs
The one time my sister did shrooms she thought she was thumbalina. I can't live my life that way
I just tried to pay for a coffee with a dollar and a necco wafer.
Officially crunch time. It's my last year of grad school and I've yet to get blown in a school library. The parking garage was less than a block away though.
You made the lady who made your cheeseburger sign the box so that when she got famous you would have her autograph.
I’ve jerked off three times and taken five shits already today. Being hung over in your 40’s is a fucking roller coaster.
Randomize
