It's never good when you wake up covered with burns
Forgot to mention there might be a picture of me being thrown in the air while at a Mexican restaurant
apologized to him about 10 times for being drunk. told him about 15 times that he was "really pretty"
No no I got the black eyes when I tried to do a flip off the second deck of a pontoon boat. Actually when I did a flip, it was a success.
Just found a pic on my phone of you on squatting on the hood of a police car about to take a dump. Care to explain what happened last night?
Just talked a homeless guy out of suicide. Was rewarded with a garbage bag full of mountain dew bottles and zannies. Im such a good person
I'm starting to think I didn't bring enough liquor for this family Christmas.
It's 2 pm....
I'm ready to get married, then we can lie around watching anime and eating pizza while he rubs baby oil on me
and then I drunkenly screamed, "you can ride that Uber all the way to revenge city!"
which was funny until I realized I paid for my enemy's cab to go fuck my ex
I can't decide if I'm depressed or if this is just what life without a bidet feels like.
There they were doing the deed on the beach, looked like two seagulls fighting over a chicken bone.
THANKS BE TO BLACK BABY JESUS IN HIS LITTLE GOLDEN DIAPER FOR BLESSING ME WITH NOT PREGNANT
Dude I'm hungover as fuck in a bed in Baltimore with another man... I don't think I can make it.
Between fucking and sleeping I woke up missing four out of five of the earrings I was wearing. It's like a star rating system. I had to give him props.
6 showers laters and I still feel like I have his vomit in my vagina. At least I could help him figure out he's gay.
Randomize
