She was like a white Oprah, but with less conviction.
I didn't talk to you tonight because I've decided you look like a man.
at home by myself drinkin the left over champagne from my party... who says my birthday has to end?
fuck you guys, stop putting fake babies in my car the cops came again.
i secretly love the power trip of being their RA & busting these idiots for everything i did as a freshman
wtf are you talking about? You vomit-splattered the cop from the balcony. The cop YOU called because you drunk-dialed 911 because a 5 year old ate the last donut.
it was a krispy kreme
Almost made out with Amanda but I told her "I'm in a committed fake lesbian relationship with Laura. I can't."
Repeat. Dildo on the ceiling, confiscated potato shooter, and bottle of yegger. Repeat. Ceiling dildo and yegger.
I'm covered in European cum. How's your day going?
I finally got out of bed at 8:30pm and my little brother informed me that I had cereal stuck to my back. I'm going to smoke a cigarette and go back to sleep.
But that background check said 51...Omg. If I hooked up with someone that's my dads age.....
My mom just called hysterical. She and her sister found my dead grandma's vibrator.
The apple don't fall far from that tree.
my experiences serve only to benefit you young virgin
The housekeeper found my huge dildo under the bathroom sink, and another in the living room. I can't get much more single than this.
My last one night stand called me today. Apparently I gave him a yeast infection in his mouth. Not sure how I should feel about this.
Randomize
