New Low: Just set a reminder on my phone for me to check on things I need to harvest late on Farmville.
Its a sad day when your bush has a better set of hair than you do
Her vagina is like Vegas. high traffic and full of glitter.
Apparently Sundays are the worst days for your friends to get their head split open and need stitches...there's only 1 doctor on duty
thats what you get for writing a paper after liquor pitchers
its only a rough draft.
He keeps whispering to me that he can't wait to tie my hands up with my wig?
not exactly restoring sanity, but he is throwing up on the national mall right now
Just realized I lost my social security card...maybe someone else will do something with my life
there are teeth marks in the soap. why are there teeth marks in the soap.
I got punched in the face by a Cowboy last night. Then he bought me a beer cause o convinced security not to kick him out the bar. Start of a fairytale love story? I think so.
Just gave my pregnant cat a safe sex talk. That high.
I'm so jealous of your sex life. You know it's awesome when thinking about the sex you had last night brings you tears of joy.
Can we relax the "married man" rule just once?
Let's just wait to see what happens before we start making radical plans and starting fires
I remember being like "I can't hold both of you guy's hair back!" so I put headbands on each of you
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