The shirt is mine, the pants are mine, the bra not so much
strippers are much less mysterious after you sleep with them
I feel like a need a fire hose to wash off what I did last night
I swear he shrunk like 2 inches. Remind me that drunk sex needs to remain drunk sex.
Using that mug my little cousin painted for me as an ashtray for my weed...at least next time he asks me if I'm using it I can say yes
3 months til "no sober october" start prepping now. i cant have you bitch out on me halfway through like last year.
Little boy scout stared at me with judgmental looks while I bought 3 bottles of liquor but refused to buy popcorn from him
After a certain point, you just want to make it work. Prove to yourself that you're smarter than the vibrator.
Whatever, I used my iphone to send an Escalade to pick up a booty call last week. For free. It is futuristic as fuck out here.
I'm not allowed to have sex with him again. My vagina joined in on the protest. There was a petition. All my body parts signed it.
How are you feeling this morning?
Well, I just found day old puke in my bra, so I've been better.
Why are there four guys spooning on the living room floor?
They're still there? Shit. They were supposed to leave after they hugged it out.
Me: I shouldn't go to the airport bar it's too expensive and I don't need it. Dark me: SHOTS AT 7 AM
enjoying your night?
do dogs like to salsa?
I dont know if that answers my question or not
Don't EVER mix a flaming shot, with a Jello shot.. As good as it sounds flaming Jello is not a good idea
Randomize
