I feel uncomfortable when she gargles my jizz.
remember tomorrow: you burned the inside of your nose with incense. it hurt.
Just walked out of 7 11 still in uniform when 4 girls in bikinis in a convertable screamed "we fuck firefighters!"
Career choice validated
Ok but if you die you have to get "I should've listened to Mike" carved into your tombstone
first one here with a pint of chicken lo mein, aspirin, and diet green tea ginger ale, gets a full effort bj the day after tomorrow.
DICK PUNCH EXTRAVAGANZAAAAAA!!!!!
It was drunk tag. I was Alice in wonderland chasing a ballerina who was chasing Lance Armstrong who had needles in his arms.
I almost spit out my drink. But only almost, because it was vodka. And you don't spit out vodka.
You've got until 8 and then I'm kicking down your door and pouring a beer down your ass via funnel
I feel like it is our duty to make homophobic people more afraid of us. They're never going to change, but maybe we can get to a "wrath of god" kind of worship-him-or-he'll-destroy-you-with-his-care-bear-stare type thing.
So from zero to dumpster fire, how shitty do you feel this morning? I'm hovering somewhere around trainwreck.
Found a trail of Taco Bell hot sauce packets through the garage to our back door and cheese in my bra. I'll say it was a successful Sunday Funday.
Oh my god.. Saw a commercial for Captain Morgan. Made me gag a little bit.
You kept calling yourself a spider monkey... Then ran to the bathroom to "prepare for the main event"
yes we're having sex but I'm texting you...so what does that tell you?
Randomize
