you kept wiggling your finger at everybody at the party telling us this is how he fingered me. you seemed pretty upset about it.
as evidence of my kitchen this morning my night involved alot of mustard and condoms
Mom is telling us about the time she drank her own breast milk. Help.
Whenever I said your name you screamed polo and did another shot.
yup, got lost on my way to the final. maybe i should have gone to this class all semester
For some reason 'start yourself on fire drunk' isn't nearly as funny after last 4th of july..
went for icecream. accidentally deepthroated it. my mom gave me a dirty look, but the kid behind the counter looked impressed
the homeless guy was waiting for me this morning. this is the closest to a boyfriend ive had in years.
The Swedes wanted a tensome.
What's grosser: using a dirty sex towel as an oven mitt? or using the oven to reheat superbowl bean dip for dinner?
Nothing like moscato in your sinuses tobmake your night complete
That's just weird. That doesn't make sense sexually at all. I mean, you might as well tape a pen to the tip and try and write your name while you're at it.
Meanwhile I'm googling glory holes in Vegas
I had a dream last night that I answered the phone and after I said hello, Shia Lebeouf started yelling "DO IT! JUST DO IT!" That's when I knew, I had officially become meme trash.
I want to disappear from this job like a fart in the wind.💨
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