Well unless he sent his sperm via fedex, this baby isnt his
i'm drunk and confused. there might be a 4 year old here.
I was going to call you an awful person for that. but then i realized we're both awful people.
Really* awful people.
dude, apparently i tried to force feed my grandma bananas last night.
You don't even know. The entire marching band thinks I'm an alcoholic.
i woke up inside a girl that i promised i would take on a date to Chili's
i just realized... if i ever hook up with someone on my bed, we'll be fucking atop my animated batman themed bedset.
Don't be the guy that has his dick out at work.
It's like those toothpaste commercials where 4 out of 5 dentists would recommend your vagina
Ladies don't puke and tell
For a guy who won't fuck me, your dick is out a lot when we talk.
someone commented on last weekends photos impressed that so many homeless people wanted to take pictures with us. weird that those "homeless people" are our friends... right?
The usual, icing my vag with a chimichanga.
He kept apologizing that the nerve damage makes him take a while to finish. Meanwhile he gave me 3 orgasms and a leg cramp
Only you could benefit from a reckless driver
I look forward to getting really drunk tonight and startling some rando’s mother tomorrow morning while she’s up early making a turkey
It’s a holiday tradition at this point
Randomize
