I showed my boss the "She Wolf" video. He sent it to all his friends and told me to make us martinis...thanks Shakira and keep it up
every time i get drunk at her place i end up leaving with nothing but an empty box of toaster strudels..
We've been broken up for 7 months. His mom sent me a card with a brochure inside titled "How at Risk for STD's are you?"
I was in the shower, he came in, had me give him a blow job, and left. I'm pretty sure I was just booty called. While taking a shower.
The sales associate looked at me funny for wobbling in the heels i was trying on until i told her i was trying to see how well i'd be able to drunk walk in these tonight
I feel like I need to get a restraining order against him but I'd probably be the one to break it.
How do people deal with hangovers? I literally want to eat my own face.
The woman that sang I Touch Myself died today. There's only one appropriate way to honor her memory.
I'm on the job.
There really needs to be a redbox for wine because I want some but too lazy to walk into a store
Welp last night I made out with the guy who slices my deli meat at publix. I'm sure there's a joke there but I'm too hungover to find it. Go noles.
My walk of shame was four miles long and I had to stop for a water break. I am the picture of class.
It's volleyball. Just do it. You want to look sporty. Save sexy librarian for another day.
Will you rub my calves while I masturbate?
So I totally had sex In a teepee last night at that wedding reception.
Considering I drank for you last night, do you mind picking up your half of the hangover
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