the new apple iphone has a feature that can find itself if you lose it, apple is getting closer to making a phone completely drunkproof...
i take joy in having bigger boobs than others
the best part about watching a meteor shower at 4 am is being able to masturbate in public and drink hot chocolate at the same time.
I bet him anal if they won...the one time Detroit decides to win, it had to be this week
Was finally able to jerk off without the motion giving me a migraine. Think my hangover's getting better.
Just got off the phone with poison control. They're more concerned about our alcohol intake than that the beer bong was last cleaned with pine sol.
Ok love is a little strong. But he consented to Nachos, beer and board game date with my cats. Keeper.
this is what happens when you pick a roommate a year in advance.. she ends up hating you for hooking up with for of her extended family members
Doing lines of coke through pieces of licorice. Because I can
This isn't a because its valentines day booty call, it's a because your cock is phenomenal booty call that happens to be on valentines day..
i feel like a cleansing fire is the only way to purify the house
He went in for a kiss so I shook his hand instead.
Okay. So did I kiss you last night? I know that I made out with someone. Or a few someones. But I'm pretty sure that I made out with you. Was that real life?
Stopping for a booty call on the way to a lunch date... Bad form?
that's the second time my extensive knowledge of taylor swift has gotten me laid
Randomize
