Just stole a pregnancy test from Wegmans because I didn't want to pay 13 dollars to find out my life is over.
Did someone do a keg stand in my bathtub?
He showed me one of his balls and said "this one's free. you'll have to work to see the other.."
I want to take my head off and cuddle with it
Maybe it will forgive me and stop being an asshole
Oh please not the Easy Cheese again. That was weird.
So maybe I got drunk and hooked up with him in a hot tub? I mean that's nothing to be ashamed of, that kind of takes talent. I'd drown.
You cannot meet up with him at the tailgate, his parents are there. What are you going to say "Hi I'm the one who fucks your son, can I get a cheeseburger?"
Why even have a ground level apt if you're not gonna let me climb out the window? I hate walk of shaming in front of toddlers...
MY GOD DAMN TV STOPS WORKING EVERY TIME I AM THIS FUCKING HIGH. WHY MUST IT TORMENT ME?!
just yelled CURVEBALL at my nightie because it turned out to be a pair of shorts
He said my vagina is harder to escape than the Temple of Doom.
Tinder in Coventry is like browsing a gallery of mugshots from Azkaban
Somewhere on my work laptop I have a map visualizing all the area codes that Ludacris has ho's
I hope that wasn't done on billed time
I can guarantee that it was
yea, she was legit pissed that her rasberry vodka ice cubes never actually froze. but we couldnt convince her otherwise.
I told you that we shouldn't have sex. You said "its okay I already saw you pee" apparently that was convincing
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