I am not drunk. I will recite the pledge.
I don't want you to recite the pledge!
Pledge alligien to america to united states of america
He's a fan of Alicia Keys on Facebook. It doesn't NEED to say 'interested in men'.
Life is so much better when you know you're gonna get laid soon.
I petted my head, told my hair it felt beautiful and needed to be let free. Then pulled out my pony tail. Cheers to weed. I lose.
I might not remember all of last night but I clearly remember the part where I humped the mailbox.
She asked if i could guess "what shape her carpet was". I got it wrong (christmas tree).
Great news I took pics last night
Warning: most of them are of you peeing while I take selfies
Are you up yet? I really want to know if i tried sleeping in a field... i have the vaguest memory of trying to
WHAT THE FUCK KIND OF NINTENDO FILLED GLORIOUS ENCHANTING FANTASY LAND ARE YOU IN?! DUDE DID YOU MOVE TO THE 90S?!?!?!
Holy shit my cat won't leave the lube alone
He asked me how flexible I was and all I could think about was that time I threw my back out putting in a tampon.
he asked if he should bring the trash can into the room.. apparently i shoved my finger all over his face and said.. shhhh dont talk... just take your pants off.
college girl with braces trying to flirt with you...time to go
Whoever thought of breakup sex is my new best friend
Any who, I expect to be showered with roses apon my arrival
How about beer and nachos?
A fine substitute!
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