Picture the opening band right now: euro, beer guts, one member in oversized hipster lumberjack apparel, the other in childsized american apparel and shorts. Singing in german.
I dont shave on purpose to keep myself from being slutastic!! it usually works
This could be one of the worst things i've done... The background of her phone is her and her boyfriend.
it's like a replay of two fridays ago...except not in a motel and i'm not having sex in the shower.
Escaped ambulance. Meet me at your apartment.
the amount of times i have wished for a boxed wine emoticon is almost alarming. almosttt
let's just pour the lemonade mix into the soco. cut out the middle man.
Its what happens when I drink whiskey in a sweater. It makes me feel mature and ponderful.
Excuse me hold on, hooking up with someone who is verified on twitter is like being important.
Dude, did you fall in a toilet on the way over here?
Was face down in one actually. Bars 2, Drew 0.
Went to night shots with Kayla... she punched this guy and I got his friends number. Not sure if she's the best or worst wingman ever.
If I make it home without being sick in this captain's hat it will be a fucking miracle.
I'd give anything to be driving a pirate ship wearing nothing but a coconut bra and a grass skirt eating a pizza and watching dolphins jump in the waves. Dreams ya gotta have dreams
I woke up with a treasure map drawn on my ass. Whattt.
just licked the cheese off a burger. that high.
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