she asked me if the dress made her look fat, i told her no - the fat made her look fat.
You should really figure out how to get me a picture that will pop up on my phone when you call
Just upload a picture of Bea Arthur. That's what my soul looks like these days
I'm looking at pot farms on google earth. Google should be proud I found a real purpose for it to serve.
How is it that you get into at least one taco related fight a year?
the welcome home hickey he left on my boob is really gunna put a damper on the rest of my thanksgiving hook up plans with the rest of my ex's
Invited the whole bar back to my place for an after party.....shit got real with everyone seeing dad drink moonshine like a champ.
Wouldn't life be so much easier if you could just walk up to attractive men and say, "Let me bear your children" and it wouldn't be creepy?
Or possibly end in a restraining order?
You have not lived until you've had your brains fucked out on a broken down Tunnel of Love ride. Life is good.
The perfect man would keep a whisky sour in my hand and give me endless sex. I really don't think that's too much to ask for.
he won't tell me his last name, but I know his garage key code
I don't think I have face palmed that many times in such a short period. And I've worked tech support.
March Madness means a buffet of emotionally vulnerable dick at the bars almost every night. So yeah my vagina and I are big fans.
Don't tell me you're on acid again
Update: tequila girl had her hand down groomsmen pants
I twisted my ankle while drunkenly playing in my adult kickball league. Now I'm having to use my grandpa's cane to walk at this party. I am so single.
Randomize
