Doo rag and shades in the bar. You are missing your future husband.
and this is why i am such an inspirational person, i am the Joel Osteen of alcoholics.
I went to check the drunk texts i sent last night but my phone deleted them already. Even my phone is ashamed.
ps if your frozen peas taste like crotch it's because some dude kicked me in the nuts while trying to do a keg stand and I needed an ice pack
Then you started screaming that this was the first time you did e and that you had a 4.8 gpa, that was right before you almost suffocated between that one girl's tits.
Can't talk right now. I'm doing tequila shots with my professor at some Mexican bar. That's how I prepare for finals.
Get your penis over here NOW. emergency
Was almost hungover and got scared, skipped hungover, back to hammered. Fuck real life
Now you know my pain. Live with it. Own it. Recognize it. Cause its like shitting napalm.
You kept trying to get the girl i brought home to hook up with you by enticing her with 12 baconnators you brought home
listen. he fixes things. buys me drinks and sticks his penis in my vagina. age means nothing at this low point in my life.
Sweet tea and masterbation. It's how I manage.
She's got Mike in the bathroom. He's covered in meat.
There's a guy running dressed as a bunny toward your house.
Speaking of dumpster fires, your ex tried to add me on Facebook
Randomize
