The only reason I kept his number in my phone for so long is so that hed pay for my abortion.
she always made me post sex PB&Js it was like fucking a trashier Martha Stewart
Contrary to what peaches says, you can't fuck the pain away. Full story later. Have a good morning, buddy.
I think my vagina is going to steal my keys and drive over there.
Hopefully she would park on my face.
I just realized I turned down a booty call too. To make cheesecake. God help us all
Between the walk of shame, bar fight, karaoke, injuries, number of bar check-ins, and variety/quantity of alcohols and Advil consumed, I'd say HookerFest 2012 was a raging success.
Walked into my campus store carrying a pitcher of sangria. No fucks given. Also this recipe is banging.
Yea there's blood all over the porch but we wont have to buy alcohol for the rest of the week
Sometimes I envy you, when I'm not praying for your soul.
So much rum. So many feels.
You're the only one to love me enough for me to admit the following: Rock-bottom sounds like sobbing to a Miley Cyrus song.
He says we're "annoying" but that's an odd word to describe a couple of heroic liquor saiyans
I was desperate and wasn't about to let my cereal get soggy so I ate it on the toilet. Don't let me repeat last night.
Thank god I work in a lab. This pinkeye is out of control and my safety glasses are the only thing stopping me from digging at my eye with a pen
My manager caught me going taking a nap in an empty room. Apparently she sleeps there too.
Randomize
