High as balls & about to be tanning. Helloooo 15 minute vacay.
I think I breastfed the cat at some point during the night, at least that's what my nipples are saying
Pretty sure even her dog was surprised when I got that blow job.
You called yourself Captain Aspirin and then tried to cure my headache by shoving pills up my nose. Fuck you becoming a nurse, you can't take care of me while you're drunk ever again. Ever.
Since when do you have sex with people you have feelings for?
Dude you don't understand. I genuinely felt his soul's penis in my soul's vagina.
Cats found the secret coke stash again
They owe us $80.
You sent me snap chats of you guys having sex. Like plural. It was like flip book porn, I'm traumatized.
I just ran into the woods like an idiot because ADVENTURE.
He peed off the roof and then we bonded it was beautiful
If it wasn't for the fact that I drink during my lunch break I'm pretty sure I would have quit this job by now
Ew. He is mine. We all know that if he has a mid-life crisis and decides to sleep with a student, I AM THAT STUDENT. She's not friends with him on FB. Reassuring.
I just put vagisil on my bug bites how do you think my morning is going
He got mad at you last time bc you tried to rap battle him via text. This is strictly business.
I felt the need to set off fireworks in the living room while they were having sex upstairs. Yes, they quieted down.
Speaking of dumpster fires, your ex tried to add me on Facebook
Randomize
