You're a womanizer and a bitch.
I really hope you get sexually violated by a pterodactyl tonight.
last night i was so high that when a homeless person asked me for a dollar, i responded: dolla dolla bill ya'll.
his penis is like a homeless cat. ever since I've satisfied him he keeps showing up on my doorstep ask for more.
we were boning in the bathroom when her boyfriend came upstairs. I wish i could remember what happened next more clearly, because it had to have been hilarious
dreams really do come true on the roof and drinking again
I fucked her wearing an American flag. Now here I am, awake, naked, and flag less. How do I report this to the police?
It really went downhill when you started writing IOU on pieces of napkins. Giving them to the strippers
Real life dumb and dumber
TOPLESS DRIVE THRU! I have no money and my dignity is at an all time low.
Just sitting in the tub googling "how to remove sharpie from skin". You?
I woke up at 6 and was laying at the top of my stairs.
you just don't appreciate it because you've never been arrested
I’m at the Eye doc, sitting in the waiting room. The woman next to me is highlighting passages in her bible. I’m watching pornhub on mute. I clearly need some penis, or Jesus.
My nipples are raw, I've yet to go to bed, I feel like death, and I'm at work. Thank you jack, crown, and Lafayette!
Do you recall asking me to zip line through your wedding dressed as a bleeding angel?
Randomize
