Having sex with her was like reading the Wall Street Journal.
Banging your ex-girlfriends best friend 3 days after you break up is like saying "fuck you" with feeling. I wouldnt have it any other way.
whos cum tastes better, a guy who drinks apple juice or cranberry juice?
You couldn't find any paper towel to clean up the wine you spilled, so you tried to use her cat.
ooh i remember now. Not very absorbent.
im gonna call it quits for tonight... I am so drunk I dont even have the motor skills to masturbate
he sounded really stupid. it was like his puke had a stutter, too.
It was a new level of awkwardness and terror. The high schoolers you fuck in the summer should never introduce themselves to your mom and godmother
At the same time. Hot men feeding me brownies. In between rounds of sex.
I took us ten minutes to realize the shower sex going upstairs was the reason the kitchen ceiling was flooding.
I'm really not interested in hearing from him. Unless there is casual sex involved
Your doorknob is in my back seat, in case you were looking for it.
I need like a hormone stopper. Or a chastity belt. Or like a lady business alarm that goes off when I'm being too drunk.
I wonder if a fish could survive in vodka
I could
I just spent 5 minutes saying how beautiful you are and you come back with dont get fat cause you have weird nipples.
That awkward moment when you realize you've been secretly blackout dating someone for three months. Drunk me is in a committed relationship.
Randomize
