The chance that I have herpes may have made me find god
Just walked by a group of guys calling out walks of shame with a mega phone from their front porch.
He was making tequila spiked Arnold Palmers and murmuring things in Spanish.
I love foreign exchange students.
2011 senior yearbook drinking game. we're taking a shot whenever some dumbass uses that quote about how life isn't isn't about the breaths you take, but the moments that take your breath away. also that retarded wayne gretzky one about missing shots you don't take.
What's the proper amount of time to avoid my 76 year old neighbor that caught me with my pants down, peeing in my driveway at 5am?
I'm pretty sure that when my parents bought me those savings bonds they thought it would go towards something useful like tuition. Not your bail.
I told you I'd buy you lunch.
we were hooking up and then he goes "you can touch my penis" and i laughed too hard to do anything. no second date.
I just used a baby fork as a roach clip. I am totally the cool aunt.
The only way I can describe this shit is male aloe vera plant in both looks and feel its standing in the toilet
Thanks for that....my girlfriend picked up my phone and saw that
I think people like me is why alcohol became illegal at one point
took over 12 bombs tonight and we still aren't hooking up. Wait how am I functioning
Also... I'm unsure what to do with my face while someone is choking me during sex. Like I feel like its hard to look flattering.
I'm almost too old to be on The Real World but feel like I'm too young to be on The Bachelor and I'm just really confused with my place in life.
Nothing says "i love you" more than flowers and potatoes
I woke up in his closet, with my shirt inside out and backwards, Rolos in my hand, a tortilla with a face carved into it stuck to the fridge with a magnet, a homemade bong next to the bed, and the door off the hinges... I need a chaperone.
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