I can't try on my wedding dress because someone is trying to commit suicide in the store. Is this a sign?
I'm not sure what happened last night, but my turtle seems afraid of me.
proof that my night is going well: I can still open doors
I guess the study abroad went badly, I gave him a joint and he just smoked it and cried all the way from the airport
If you haven't seen a huge black man in tiny red snowflake shorts that barely cover his dick, then you don't know what I'm going through.
We didn't want to make a pit stop so I just helped my husband pee in a bottle. No one told me this was part of love.
Why are there so many fucking Lambchop puppets hidden around my house?!
Mom just told me I need to start having sex.
I do feel like I owe you an apology for trying to fuck your dad last night but in my defense everyone knows I shouldn't drink tequila.
It makes me feel all patriotic & free... And borderline diabetic.
Ryan. I woke up. At the neighbors house. And by the neighbors. I mean the ones to the north. The ones that hate us. Please call me. I am so confused and you are gone
At the neighbors house?! Like in it or outside???
In it on the fucking couch. No idea how i got here.
It was a fun night. I made out with the door guy at the gay bar but he didn't speak english
There was no door guy at the bar
She stripped naked and ran around the outside of the house while I stood by the tent holding her clothes shouting "come back" because I was too drunk to chase her. This is why we can't have nice things.
I brought coffee but not enough for the naked guy on your porch
I'm eating an ice cream cone and pooping. Don't know how I'm gonna wipe.
Randomize
