The mall is playing a fucking country mix of lady marmalade.
welcome to maine.
I either just heard my neighbors having sex or she really agreed with whatever he was talking about.
Sitting in class thinking wow im glad im not hungover...and then i realized im still drunk.
I think the universe is against us being together. Or maybe it's just god's way of telling me there is a bigger dick out there for me.
have you seen my purse? i cant find it and my ipod is in there and that shit totally cost more than my abortion.
I've had a Margarita with salt, but I have to say I was impressed by the Stoli and Sprite rimmed with adderall
I dont care how high you are, meat and sprinkles dont mix dude
I've spent more money on drugs for bonnaroo than my actual ticket. Proudly.
He told everyone he was freezing their keys so they couldn't drive drunk. When I opened the freezer this morning, my keys were at the bottom of an unfrozen ice cream tub of vodka.
I shit you not ... they just advertised a recruiting service for strippers at this concert.
A homeless guy wouldnt accept my granola bar because he didnt have any teeth. I think i win the prize for the ultimate rejection
Zak is like the Picasso of masterbatory texts
in that moment our bushes were one. and in that moment we were pure.
Nipple rings and loofahs DO NOT mix.
I would ride that face into the sunset
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