dude i just saw the hottest 13 year old but she was kinda ghetto.
on of the only things i remember was the security guard told me i was too drunk for laser tag.
I just wanted to let you know I just licked gravy off of my boobs. Just putting that out there.
Guy having heart attack in McDonalds. Classic.
I'm not giving my ex her earrings back. If some chick i hated gave me brownies i would still eat them. It's the same thing.
Wash that dress asap. You laid down on the kitchen floor and tried to sweep the floor with your body.
Highlight of the night was you walking into the men's room yelling "My husband is diabetic" and crawling under the stall to yell at me.
I don't think I can recall what a 23 year old cock felt like if one slapped me in the face.
So, the officer that worked my wreck, I'm rockin his world tonight. He saw me high on morphine in the ER. So he knows my level of crazy. Think he'll agree to wear his gun?
So many things can go wrong tonight.
He threw up on my head while I was blowing him, and then I started barfing, and the kitchen floor was a mess. Believe me, he will never, ever live this down.
So the other day we finished having sex and he literally said "what are we going to do about your vagina?" Like, I hadn't even dismounted him yet.
I didn't want dick. I wanted spaghetti.
i'm eating chex mix in the shower while texting. i feel accomplished.
I've been trying to masturbate for the longest time now and so far I've accomplished getting tangled in my computer battery cord and phone charger and hitting my knee on my laptop.
I am 11 times too hungover to give the eulogy
Randomize
