remember that night jesus turned water into wine? DRUNKER.
When did we start counting Thursdays as weekends?
When we got our fake ids in grade 11, why?
I just feel like it's time to start counting wednesdays as well...
Just met a girl...She is complaining why on facebook you can't have more then one "open relationship"
I dont know how i feel about her from a moral standpoint...
he is the anna nicole to my 90 year-old billionaire. i'm grateful that he's fucking me, so i'm buying him shit.
I wonder what it would be like to go to the dry cleaners and not have to inform them that all my clothes are stained with booze.
Admitting I go to nursing school is my subtle way of saying, yes, I know every muscle in your penis and how to effectively use them.
I'm already mentally preparing myself for the fact that I'll probably be sleeping next to a toilet.
You graduated two years ago... You can't keep using spring break as an excuse.
I'm doing laundry from this weekend.. That poor shirt I wore to the rave smells like a dead animal that rolled in weed and pain..
I wish men found my impeccable aim when spitting into the sink attractive.
Any day that has a special name thats capitalized means you need to need to call in sick and get day drunk. That's why they are there.
omg this is getting ridiculous. nobody's vagina should ever be this neglected.
Somehow I don't think offering me edibles is what dad meant by checking in on me
They're the hard candy kind!
you scattered cereal all over the floor so you could "re-trace your steps and figure out what happened." 20 min later you yelled about the mess and let the dog in to clean it up. 5 min after that you screamed since the cereal was gone. you suspected me and locked me in the bathroom so i could "think about what i'd done"
and you bit everyone who tried to let me out. no more tequila for you. EVER.
Fruitcakes are only good for throwing at neo Nazis.
Randomize
