so i was supposed to be to work at 8..but its 9:15 and im currently standing stoned in the middle of holiday...with a bag with three doughnuts, two redbulls, and a slim jim..
god i miss watching you do this...
I only make drug deals in a British accent. It's my way of making sure it doesn't get too sketch.
Hung over. Bed full of legos for some reason. Not getting up. Come build stuff with me.
we are sitting in a kindergarden classroom alone chugging beer. look at our lives. look at our choices.
I'm the brains and you're the boobs of this operation.
Why did I just find out you and Andrew had sex right next to my face when I passed out on the beach?
At the time it seemed romantic and its also extremely frowned down upon to leave a passed out person by themselves in an unfamiliar place.
Why did I wake up by myself then?
She has the perfect pussy. Looks like a paper cut with a puff of cotton candy on top.
I can now recognize that when my wine bottle reaches a certain point, I probably shouldn't tweet, text or call anyone. RESPONSIBILITY
STAY IN YOUR APARTMENT. DONT GO TO SAFEWAY TO BUY CONDOMS. DONT GO TO THE VAN.
Stop confusing me with every girl you know that doesn't like sex.
Well... This is my last night at the resort. So far, the only thing that has been in my vagina is sand.
....I just did my boss
I love you. And I will hold your hand as we skip on the road to hell.
Go ahead without me. This chick is buying me drinks and just found out her husband is cheating on her. I think I just found the next level of revenge fucking: Scorned Trophy Wife Sex
You fucked him, didn’t you?
He showed up at my house with tacos, rum and a negative Covid test. Of course I fucked him. I’m just a simple girl that likes tacos, not Margaret Thatcher!
This is going to be so stupid, but do you feel the calluses on my hands when I give you a handy?
Randomize
