I have left a significant number of teethmarks in my prhone. My mouth tastes like tequila and cheddar. Tomorrow already feels fun.
maybe it wasnt such a good idea to pregame our lease signing...
you can SEE the outline of a pad through her jeans. there is no way
and when he finished he handed me a baby wipe so i could clean up. i'm ok with the fact that he has kids, but not sure how to react to this.
I just bought 7 working mopeds off a guy for $300. We are 60% of the way to our gay biker gang dream.
Vom Wallet is no more. We now boldly enter a responsible, adult era where we will not throw up liquor onto ourselves.
I kinda wanna Instagram the giant vag stain on my sheets. That is something to be proud of. It's a Christmas miracle.
I paid off a credit card today. And I was tested negative for HIV. AND I did laundry. Honestly, I'm most excited about the laundry.
Oh my fucking god how fucking embarrassing never again will I mix drugs at a family barbecue
Dude I thought she was trying to turn my dick inside out
Good night I hope you dream about knitting and threesomes
Trust no bitch in laser tag. Not a single one.
My fridge door just caught on fire somehow.
Sexting and pancakes... It's going to be hard to top that
He screamed like a woman when he came then proceeded to sing "you [we] are the champion" by Queen. I think I'm in love.
Randomize
