So, someone in Olympia stole my credit card # last week and bought a platypus vibrator with it. That’s it.
wow... just woke up to find out that the OJ we used in my bong last night was poured back into the carton
You called me twice to tell me that you spit in your own eye, when I was right next to you.
well we are all hammered and my parents are reminiscing about all the times they drove us home drunk from Christmas
I came home drunk to my night light on and a Hershey's bar on my bed. Mom knows me too well.
I refuse to have another spring break doomed by pregnancy.
Dude, Taco Bell gave me a free fiesta potatoes when I won a bet on wether I could fit the entire rim of a cup in my mouth.
proof that my night is going well: I can still open doors
My tits, and hanging out behind a hotel eating pizza.
There's a girl in class eating a pumpkin pie. Like a whole pie straight from the pan with a fork.
That guy was drunk and couldn't get it up so he just tried to scissor me.
I SHOULD NOT BE HAVING AN EXISTENTIAL CRISIS OVER PIZZA
Her mom came in and passed out drunk on the floor next to us while she was riding me, "it's all good, she does this all the time" is what she said
He stopped me in the middle of a blow job to call his grandma for her birthday.
At least he has family values.
As she came, she moaned Roll Tide. I kid you not.
Randomize
