You're the end to all my bad dreams.
Did you have that reoccuring dream about me banging your mom again?
I am officially superior to you. I said "Go Go Gadget Dick" before I fucked her. I dare you to beat that.
So i told him he was the 3rd i have ever slept with and then i found out he had actually slept with 5 other girls besides me. And his reply was well your number one on this hand.
He came into the hospital yelling "HEY EVERYBODY! REMEMBER ME?"
Also there's a dick sized hole in my tights...should I be worried?
We had car sex in the parking lot of the dispensery while he blasted Tony Bennett. It was so fucking romantic.
I drunkenly called my ex on Skype last night and didn't talk, just smiled real big at him until I fell asleep.
If anyone wants to ring in the new year with gluttony and yoga pants, let me know. As soon as it becomes a socially acceptable hour to drink margaritas, I'm gonna go down on a chimichanga.
I hate that we are older than the real world people now
I just got a get of my turf look from a hooker. Apparently, Ninja Turtles T-shirt+Jeans+Flip-Flops=Hooker Gear. Woot.
In the middle of blowing him I looked at him and said "Your so old..." and then continued. I need to stop drinking.
Don't wake me up to tell me to cook for you because you don't like taco meat.
Rob and I are cross faded and the only one taking care of us is a drunk person who's making us dance.
I wouldn't hesitate to give up my job to have regular bowel movements again
I'm shotgunning a meatball sub and watching flip or flop. i have reached a new level of singledom.
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