Apparently I masturbate in my sleep now.
Do you know how awkward it is to call the bar from last night and ask if they found my leggings?
You had a towel around you and you called it your shot bib.
He kept telling me how extraordinarily clean my ears were.
Only I would come home from a random banging with beer and watermelon
Can u check his last FB check in, then come pick me up from there. Blame it on the tequila
he told her he was actually impressed that she had fucked more people in this house than the four dudes living in it.
Bad news: I found out that girl you want has a boyfriend. Good news: she'll probably cheat on him with you. Better news: after seeing the way she treats him, that's the most interaction you're going to want with her anyway. Trust me.
No, he went to go get condoms. The least I could do was chug two beers before he got back
Blasting venetian snares and drinking a beer. I love being an adult. It's like being a child but with beer for breakfast, better music, and no one yells at you.
I look like slutty woodland creatures dress me in the morning. Everybody's got problems.
It's a little sad/awesome that I scored coke within 60 seconds of walking in the bar.
The student becomes the teacher.
Last week in my political science paper I quoted the Mighty Ducks. This week, I compared the Constitution to a weird pickle law in Connecticut (by law, it's not a pickle unless it bounces). So, yeah, clearly I'm ready to be back to being a college student.
I just sat on the floor of my shower for 20 minutes to punish myself for drunk me's decisions.
You had sex with a Scottish dude with a peg leg....how could I NOT tell that story??
Randomize
