Dude, no matter how drunk you are, it's not okay to hug every other guy at a strip club. Mainly because boners are far too common.
I wanna dance tonight. i just wanna grind my ass in some man's dick.
So I've come to the conclusion that I would cry if I had an ugly baby.
I just made a steamroller out of a christmas ornament. I feel so festive.
You three are like the Bermuda Triangle for morals.
Just abandoned him for a bowl of soup and the living room floor...hope the window replacement guys don't get a show..I miss you!
Breakfast tacos?
YOU ARE A FOUNTAIN OF GREAT IDEAS
...oh my god that's like anal suicide
I'm aware. I'm writing the eulogy for my colon as we speak.
I've just stalked all the hot guys who have clicked "attending". I now know which guys are "yes", "maybe" and "no". I only hope my drunk self remembers.
theres a new barista at starbuck holy fuck she's hot
i want to face-plant into her vagina
My night just got really weird. In a sit down stall bathroom at this nice resturaunt and this guy walks in as I rip a humongous porcelain-splitting fart. Well, I hear him stop for a second. He then opens the door to the stall next to mine, sits down and says, "player two has entered the game."
Did you win?
Sorry for all the snapchats, I wanted you to feel like u were in America getting plastered with me
I just projectile vomited into my kitchen sink. Today need to be over already.
I think our maternal nature is best focused on grown ass men and cats.
Dude... the time we have in life to be young and trivial is so incredibly short. I think we should drink tonight.
Randomize
