Thanks for getting me home last night.
No worries. I'll always be there for you, just like Mufasa.
I think she just stepped in a piece of mac and cheese, picked it off the bottom of her foot and ate it.
Without me, you would never be able to say you partied with a midget!
I'm still in shock that he came by my house for five minutes dropped off a Teddy bear and went to the strip club on valentines day
I would take a bullet for Beyonce's baby
remind to leave next time the words "tequila" and "challenge" are shouted
You okay?
I walked into work with a banana and a loaf of bread
It's a sit down to pee kind of hangover
Yesterday I dumped him, went out for my birthday, hooked up with someone else, and today he still fed my cat. Living with your ex ain't so bad . . .
Using mass transit when I'm hungover makes me feel like I missed my calling as a serial killer
There's that certain point at night when you start saying things like s'mores should be used in foreign relations. I reached it.
I just had to explain why I ate a whole quart of mac and cheese before 8am. Not a good start to the day
Don't let me pee the bed... Its going to be one of those weekends
The guy I slept with in AZ just called and is moving here next week.
so i find a box of condoms inside my car with turn by turn directions to her bedroom... kinda freaked out cause she got my address and somehow inside my car
Randomize
